Should of taken the Pucking Funt

Having arrived home from work early to join the “I work really hard retired husband” for a 3 day Glamping trip I find the trusty Jayco Outlander is packed with the essentials, heels and bubbles. Its an incredible 40 degrees and I’m wondering why I’m leaving my backyard pool and airconditioning for a weekend of heat and flies. Off we go, another adventure looms.

Backing out of the drive comes with it own issues so if you happen to be around for this painful experience you will hear the musical tones of The Husband yelling “am I gunna hit the pole”, “no you are not going to hit the pole” I yell back. ” Are you sure I’m not gunna to hit the pole,” no you are not going to hit the pole.” He yells “you’re supposed to be watching”, well I am watching, how else could I see if he was going to hit the bloody pole. “How close is that gutter,” “you’re miles away” I yell, “are you sure.” Of course I’m sure I’m bloody looking at it. He’s not happy with this, gets out of the car again to check my work. At this point I establish that he clearly doesn’t know me and how close he’s coming to being stabbed. Back up the driveway he goes, he reverses again “am I gunna hit the pole,” I’m going to hit you with a pole in a minute. We finally make it past the huge electricity pole that was nowhere near the glamper van and glide past the gutter missing it by two bloody feet.

We are off, “do you have the destination” he says, “I do, Mrs Gerwald, (part of The Bargo Boaters whom we are meeting later) and I worked out and drove part of the destination route last week.” She had stated that if we put the park into the GPS it would not give us the proper destination so we worked out a route, no problem, as long as I got to Showground road in Castle Hill I would be on the right track, no issues. I go to put Showground Rd into the GPS but no, The Husband wants me to put the actual address of the park we are heading to, fine, I google and place it into the trusty device. Reminding him again that the way the GPS says to go is wrong according to Mrs G who has been there several times.

We head North, destination Del Rio, Wisemans Ferry, 2 1/2 hours away. It can’t be that hard. When the GPS alerts us to turn left on the freeway we ignore it as I’m following Mrs G’s instructions. The GPS is having a coronary, it tells us to head north then again turn left, but I know where I’m going and we turn off left later down the freeway and head straight, just the way Mrs G said we should, I look down at my phone for one minute and he has turned left instead of going straight ahead……I politely say “this is not the right way,” The Husband says “well that’s the way it’s pointing on the GPS.” Did I not state the GPS would not take us the right way. So now we or on a major road with a shit load of traffic and I’m saying that you’ve got to turn around, he’s not listening instead he’s telling me as he pulls over and says I have to be 100% sure of where we are going, well since I’ve never been to the said park how the hell would I know, I failed training navigation in the Army and led my troops into a kill zone. He will not be detracted, 100% surety is needed, well I explain if he would just turn around I’d be back on track…but no he decides to follow the GPS because we all know that the GPS always gets it right as it’s trying to tell do a u turn on the underground M5 tunnel. As we travel along the road we go over the two roads upon which the annoying voice from the car dashboard told us to go in the first place, it’s peak hour and can someone hand me a Valium.

Suddenly we are in the country. “Well this is nice” I say. The Husband says that we are obviously on the scenic route but we will still get there. There looms ahead the sign for the car ferry on the left, both of us being completely bloody stupid both say, well we can’t go that way because you can’t take the glamper van and the car on a ferry so we completely ignore the pleading of Mr GPS who was saying for god sake turn left and get on the ferry. We continue on for some way, The Husband makes a comment “I know we are on the right track because I came this way with Mr Gerwald (the other half of the Bargo Boaties). Finally, I think, we are on the right track. We start to climb, the scenery is lovely, the roads a bit narrow, but we are managing, some moron comes around the corner at break neck speed and we nearly cop a head on, but we keep going, GPS is saying we are only a 1/2 hr away and the road will take us directly there. There a sign up ahead, actually a picture it has a car and a glamper van with a line through it, underneath the words not suitable for large vehicles. I point this out to The Husband, nope we should be right he states with more confidence than someone should have who has just driven us in a massive square to get where we are now and would of been earlier if we had just thrown my instructions and that of Mrs G in the beginning out the window. We stop in front of some junior religious retreat, the road narrows he makes me get out of the car walk around the blind corner and review the situation past the sign. My decision, NOoooooo. A local pulls up behind, a man, The Husband confers, the local says “if ya can get round the first hair pin bend ya should make it round the second.” Confidence looms as The Husband jumps back in car, his give it a go attitude is promising but the fact that The Man said we will need to put it in 4 wheel drive for the steep decent does not fill me with blind faith. “It’s ok” says The Husband it’s a 4 wheel drive van. Oh god.

Narrow road, dirt, steep, winding, but Mr GPS is saying 15 minutes to your destination, seriously, if you could see the winding picture on the screen you would have had some concerns re our arrival time. We plod on, a woman stops and on narrowly passing us says “are you headed to Del Rio”, “yes” we reply. “Well you will never make it this way, there’s a hair pin bend up ahead that I’ve had to pull at least 20 vans out of, this is followed by another hair pin turn,” the woman we find works at the park and even though the road is great for cars we are not GOING TO FIT. She suggests a driveway up ahead to turn around. I think to ask about the ferry, “of course you can put your car and van on the ferry” or Punt as it is called. You are kidding me. As she is late for a meeting, she heads off. The Husband deep in thought, “I think we shall go it a go” famous last words, “we are only 15 mins away.” Off we trek, our destination is close, why would you pay any attention to someone who drives the road daily, has previously done multiple van rescues of morons that ignored the, don’t even think about driving down there sign.

The road narrows, the said driveway is passed, we move on, a bridge looms, small but could be easily traversed, The Husband suddenly has an epiphany “I don’t wanna risk it”, you can’t be serious, the sign says we are only 12km away. There’s a driveway of sorts and a small patch of grass on the other side ” we will have to turn around.” Well this should cause world war three. In he goes and out I get, and here we go again, “are you watching” “yes I’m watching,” he reverses back, and then forward and then back and then forward, now remember with the car and the glamper van this is not as easy as it sounds, “are you watching” “yes I’m watching” kill me now. He gets out, we are never going to make it, yes we are I say, just keep trying. The back and bloody forwards, turning goes on for several minutes. “We are never going to make it” well, you should not have ignored the sign that clearly said, don’t take the bloody big van past this point, but noooo. Suddenly the car and glamper van are totally across the road, he jumps out of the car leaving the road blocked just after a bend. If anyone comes around the corner they are toast. He starts walking over the bridge and out of sight. Are you stupid, I start yelling, who would’nt if they were encountered with impending disaster, “If someone comes around that corner, they won’t be able to stop.” Nope he’s still scouting or whatever the hell is is doing. I yell again, no need to put this sentence in, use your imagination. He starts to jog back, relaying that we have to try turn around where we are, give me strength. He backs up again this time as he goes forwards realises he is going to hit the you’ve only got 12 km to go sign, does he back her up. No. He gets out and starts try to remove the legal road sign that has probably been there for years and is cemented in, back, forwards, back, forwards the sign won’t budge from the ground. Really I say, this is your solution or words to that effect, at one point he has me joining into this criminal activity. “Get in and back up again, let’s try again” Mr positive is full of doubt but resolves to try again. Out he gets, more trying to utilise brute strength to remove the pole (it’s always about a pole). After many attempts, a 57 point turn, a slightly bent and leaning sign, we have managed to avert disaster, we are on our way and he’s managed once again not to be stabbed.

Off we head, we come past the sign that says, are you stupid I told you, you couldn’t take the huge four wheel drive and 21ft caravan up that road. The GPS has calmed itself down and says “turn left for the ferry” left we turn. As we are getting on the punt the GPS is saying “now take the ferry.” At least at this point we laugh. As we are heading in the direction given to us by the operator of the ferry I turn to The Husband and say “if you had just let me put Showground Road into the GPS we would have been right, now say the words,” what words” he says “the you were right words” hesitantly and begrudgingly he says the the words “you were right,” music to my ears.

2 ferries, 1 bent sign, a 57 point turn, a scenic route, a stiff dead cow in a paddock (yes we saw that too) we finally arrive at our destination 4 1/2 hours later. We begin the ritual of parking and backing of the glamper van. When he parked it the first time I thought it was fine but no, it took The Husband, Mr G and the male teenage Bargo Boater to change the decision into 42 goes at reversing until the group of males were finally satisfied with their work IN THE DARK. Did I say at the beginning Mrs G and I had already worked out the route…..just sayin.