Back o Bourke

Banjo Patterson once said “If you know Bourke you know Australia”…..I beg to differ Mr Patterson. Our stay here was instigated by me, we weren’t coming to Bourke but I had visions of visiting the Great Outback, red dirt, rustic buildings, the odd cowboy droving his cattle through the busy thriving town. I find myself sadly shattered as my ideal definitely differs from reality and that of the famous poet.

We arrived at our caravan park, set up and ventured out. Off to the Back o Bourke information centre to arm ourselves with the boundless things to do in Bourke, sadly, our enthusiasm is slightly dampened by our lack of choices. We chose a trip to Mt Oxley to gaze at a romantic sunset across the outback. After a confusing 15 minutes deciphering what directions the tourist guide was actually trying to give us because she seemed a little confused as to how to impart the information on navigation, which is a bit of a worry when your a tourist information person. We pay $11 each to unlock an outback gate at which point in the conversation I hear the words … it’s a dirt road, bit rough but ok. I silently thought to myself …oh god here we go.

I shall explain. The Husband in his infinite wisdom recently sold the trusty Amorok Ute for an Audi Q7 4 wheel drive to tow the Glamper van. It’s like driving a lounge room chair around, so I can say that it’s truely comfortable, looks beautiful, has every gadget a car could have but she’s never been off road…..yet. I silently wait for the swearing. Off we drive into the beyond, through Bourke to begin our outback sunset adventure. There’s not a dog, a car or a person in sight. Oh well maybe because it’s the end of the day.

We drive out and take the turn right..it’s dirt. It’s rough rocky red dirt, the swearing begins. The language increases when the potholes get bigger and the road is rutted. The “I didn’t pay $……….. to have the car bounced all over the place and be shaken the shit out of,” has begun, well there’s still 3/4 of an hour of this to go and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. Pot holes, brain rattling vibration… I try not say anything other than the obligatory “well you can turn back if you like”, this is met with a few more choice words.

We get to the $22 gate lock, I enter the code it’s not working, I put it in one way then the other at which point The Husband alights from the car stating how hard could it be, more swearing. I’ve put the number in back to front so now I’m dyslexic, gate opened. I wait for him to drive through, the lock won’t shut, more swearing. I seem to have failed not only on choice of destination but lock opening and closing 101.

The road from here is worse, rocks, lots of rocks. I can’t help but laugh which apparently is not the done thing. We start at the bottom of the climb, no two way mirrors here, you have to stick your ear out the window and listen. Pity if you are hard of hearing as it’s a shear drop and you wouldn’t want to be the one backing down the plummet to your death track up the hill.

We arrive, the view is stunning, we find a rock, open the bubbles and stare out at miles and miles of flat countryside. We’ve off roaded a triumph in itself if you know The Husband and his undying love for his vehicles, the car is now covered in red dust, which may give him chest palpitations. He’s a serial car washer you see and in the middle of no where there’s not a hose in sight. Sunset done we head back, I once again fail lock opening but pass lock closing. I linger and look at the 20 other locks attached to the thick chain and realise this paddock owning thing must be quite lucrative if your charging everyone who goes through an outback gate 11 bucks a head.

We head back into Bourke, everything is locked and shuttered, there’s no one around and you could roll a cannon though the Main Street. So much for my vision of rugged cowboys, drovers and CWA scones being sold at roadside stalls. There’s not a cow, sheep or dog insight. Banjo must of had more going on back in the day cause buggered if I know what he did to amuse himself. . Thankfully The Husband finds a hose and as he happily washes off the dust I go in search of paddocks for sale, there may not be much to do at the Back o Bourke but obviously locking paddocks is quite lucrative.